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Hottie Report Card: Aubrey Plaza

08.15.2014by: Salacious Crumb

With all the big-budget summer movies coming out this weekend and last, it's a little sad that the only one to catch my interest is the "rom-com-zom-dram" LIFE AFTER BETH. As much as zombie comedies have grown to be repetitive, at least BETH seems to be a unique, somewhat romantic take on the subject, which haunts us all in our sleep. Plus it co-stars Aubrey Plaza, and I'd buy that for a dollar. Two, even. Over the last half of a decade, Aubrey has proven to be worthy of being labeled a "movie hottie", but just how does she ranked on the grand scale of hotness. Well, let's make like a young Mark Zuckerberg and rank this unsuspecting female on the internet.

She may not get the butterflies going as quickly as others from our side of the computer screen, but I have a feeling she turns a lot of heads, even if they're owned by people who aren't familiar with her work. For example, if I were in waiting at the dentist's office (fat chance) and she came walking in, butterflies might literally burst our of my chest, in which case I'd need a whole other kind of doctor. There's also the nearly unshakable fact that she reminds me of "Daria" from '90's-era MTV, but hey, at least she's aware of it.

I hate to give Aubrey a "C" in this subject and follow it with this mind-numbing picture below. It's not that she cant wear the hell ouf of some short shorts, but her legs and thighs deserve the MVP award before her butt, which hovers a little above average. I also have to note that Aubrey has been showing a bit more effort as far as presenting her kaboose at various red carpet gatherings. Is it a ploy to get sleazebags like me to go and see her new movie? Perhaps, and it's working. Keep up the good work, Plaza.

I don't know if I've ever had one thought, concious or unconcious, relating to Aubrey's chesticles. This also means I've never realized they were all that small. Bill Hader made his opinion about Aubrey's cans pretty clear, or at least his character did in THE TO DO LIST. This may not be the sunject Aubrey exceeds in most, but I wouldn't appose seeing them in real life, plus she has plenty of other qualities to keep your attention held high.

This happens once in a blue moon, where an actress who doesn't possess the classic hourglass figure still manages to be incredibly hot as whole. Aubrey is denifinitely visually striking in a bikini, which as we learned in school, is the ultimate test for perfect fitness. Not to mention those luscious stems and that skin complexion that makes her appear 10 years younger. Oh, by the way, did you know Aubrey is 30-years-old? She probably didn't want me to tell you that, but I can't undo it now.

This is where I find myself at a fork in the road. At first, I wasn't entirely sold on Aubrey and her onscreen persona which would inevitably lead to her being typecast as a "dork with an attitude". In fact, I'm still not entirely sold, mainly because her projects don't nab my interest. THE TO DO LIST just looked like her EASY A, initiating her into the world of teen recognition. Everything else she's been exclusively involved with wasn't that memorable, and don't tell me you just watched SAFETY NOT GARAUNTEED for the 27th time on Netflix. I don't believe you. That said, I can appreciate her willingness to let loose onscreen and, occasionally, go for the gusto.

Aubrey strikes me as a girl who was a bit of a geek in her younger years, but then some cheerleader showed her how to shave her arms and she became a fox, and that fact is now just catching up to her, 12 years later. She's still a little bit awkward in interviews, and she sometimes seems to get lost in the conversation. That said, if something goes over her head, she'll usually strike back with some witty remark that perfectly encomasses her personality. The fact that she even has a distinct personality is pretty extraordinary in this business.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams, Megan Fox.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: What say you? How would you grade Aubrey Plaza?

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6:41AM on 08/23/2014
Shes cute but way to skinny
Shes cute but way to skinny
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+0
9:20AM on 08/18/2014
I don't think she's very hot, and that gap in her teeth gets on my last nerve.
I don't think she's very hot, and that gap in her teeth gets on my last nerve.
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6:47PM on 08/16/2014
She has this bitchness that is somehow incredibly attractive, in a negative Ron Swanson/ Tammy kind of way.
She has this bitchness that is somehow incredibly attractive, in a negative Ron Swanson/ Tammy kind of way.
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+1
9:08PM on 08/15/2014

it's funny..

She's definitely hot but her vibe always screamed more of a low key, down to earth, your best friend's sister type and yet seeing THAT image of her touching herself in those panties, just blew my mind and any original expectations away.
She's definitely hot but her vibe always screamed more of a low key, down to earth, your best friend's sister type and yet seeing THAT image of her touching herself in those panties, just blew my mind and any original expectations away.
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11:06PM on 08/15/2014
That's from a scene in The To Do List.
That's from a scene in The To Do List.
8:44PM on 08/15/2014
That pic accompanying the ass grade makes me really want to mount her.

Anyway, for next week brings us the Sin City sequel, as Eva Green has already been done and I could care less about Jessica Alba, how about Rosario Dawson?
That pic accompanying the ass grade makes me really want to mount her.

Anyway, for next week brings us the Sin City sequel, as Eva Green has already been done and I could care less about Jessica Alba, how about Rosario Dawson?
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1:46PM on 08/16/2014
Well put!

And I agree about both Alba and Dawson (very good idea, how she hasn't been graded before surprises me!)
Well put!

And I agree about both Alba and Dawson (very good idea, how she hasn't been graded before surprises me!)
8:39PM on 08/16/2014
She hasn't been graded yet probably because she hasn't been in anything we can remember since her highly memorable and shaved nude scene in Trance.
She hasn't been graded yet probably because she hasn't been in anything we can remember since her highly memorable and shaved nude scene in Trance.
4:01PM on 08/15/2014
Fair assessment. I like her in the pic wearing the red shorts. So hot! Reminds me of my neighbor - who I totally want to bang. Khloe Kardashian rates a D. Now that's funny... and true.
Fair assessment. I like her in the pic wearing the red shorts. So hot! Reminds me of my neighbor - who I totally want to bang. Khloe Kardashian rates a D. Now that's funny... and true.
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3:12PM on 08/15/2014
If you watch parks and rec you'll see her ass is an A. I dislike this dude. Biased MF.
If you watch parks and rec you'll see her ass is an A. I dislike this dude. Biased MF.
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1:43PM on 08/15/2014
Attractive, although I don't find her appealing. She is really funny though. That I do find appealing.
Attractive, although I don't find her appealing. She is really funny though. That I do find appealing.
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8:03AM on 08/15/2014
I'd pass up many women for a shot with Aubrey so she gets an A from me. Her awkwardness whether real or fake is insanely hot to me.
I'd pass up many women for a shot with Aubrey so she gets an A from me. Her awkwardness whether real or fake is insanely hot to me.
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6:56AM on 08/15/2014
I'm a fan. You always get the sense that there's naughtiness simmering beneath the sarcasm and the eye-rolling.
I'm a fan. You always get the sense that there's naughtiness simmering beneath the sarcasm and the eye-rolling.
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2:12PM on 08/15/2014
I feel you. She seems like the type who, while dry and seemingly disinterested in anything, wants someone to ravage her into oblivion. I get that same vibe from Chelsea Peretti on Brooklyn Nine Nine.
I feel you. She seems like the type who, while dry and seemingly disinterested in anything, wants someone to ravage her into oblivion. I get that same vibe from Chelsea Peretti on Brooklyn Nine Nine.
6:45AM on 08/15/2014
A 'B ' is about right. A low 'B' though.
A 'B ' is about right. A low 'B' though.
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