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Face Off: Sofia Vergara vs. Jessica Biel

03.11.2013by: Droz

The MEW contingent was overwhelming in last week's Face Off. between Ellen Page and Mary Elizabeth Winstead. I get it, Mary is an amazing creature. Though I'm just as enthusiastic about Ellen. I like a women who seems like she could hold her own both as an intellectual and a hottie. For me, that's just as sexy as a beautiful body.

Butt I digress. This week we're comparing Sofia Vergara and Jessica Biel, two hotties who also have a certain special something in common that fanny folks consider quite remarkable. I've got a haunch this comparison could be a challenge, but there's no excuse for bumming around with indecision. We just have to tush ahead and decide who we derrière the gluteus maximus or the bottom rump. Ass.


So let's begin at the end. Sofia's got a fantastic rump. Round and full, hers is probably one of the most gorgeous asses in entertainment. Round and full is a great way to describe much of what Sofia brings to the table. She is the epitome of the full-bodied look many of us know and love. That being said, her ass is but a part of her overall curvaceous body. Obviously that's not a negative, though as far as butts go, it doesn't quite stand out as much as Jessica's does. Therefore, second place in this category.

Jessica's butt might not be as big or as around as Sofia's, but one of the things that makes it a winner is the fact that is so prominent on her otherwise trim body. It's like someone took a fairly impressive ring and somehow shoehorned the Hope diamond onto it. Beyond her ass's prominence is the very clear indication of its power. When she moves, you can almost see the tight, toned muscles rippling through it. Try to bounce a quarter off that and you could put an eye out. That's got to be a winner.


Surprisingly enough, these two have more happening outside their asses. Sofia, in particular, has a whole theme park of sexy undulating throughout her body. Beautiful boobs, beautiful legs, hips, back, shoulders, arms, fingers, toes, ankles...uhhhhh, ears? Hey, it's all good when it's on Sofia. You got no complaints from me.

You have pretty much the same deal with Jessica's body. Nothing out of place or unattractive happening in any of the obvious places on her. She's a little different in that she's more athletic where Sofia is more voluptuous, but that's not really an issue. They're two different tastes that taste great together. Hmmm, now there's a thought...


Okay, so we know they both have beautiful butts and bodies. Let's take a minute to appreciate what's happening further north. Sofia is a lovely lady. She has that sultry Latin look happening, with the big, brown eyes and dark hair. She's also got that thing wherein she gains even more beauty when she's angry, which her character often is on her show Modern Family. She lights up in a fervent kind of way when she's screaming at Al Bundy. Usually it's bad news when women go apeshit like that, but with Sofia I kind of like it.

I'll not raise any ire by suggesting that Jessica is ugly. She's pretty, but not all the time. There are occasions when she's quite the stunner and other times I don't really find her attractive at all. It's difficult to know which Jessica is going to show up, although she almost always looks fantastic in her movies. Maybe she just needs the right preparation. Or maybe she has a less good-looking secret twin and the two of them take turns being Jessica. That better not be true, or else I'm going to start hating Timberlake even more than I already do.

Body of Work

I really only know Sofia for one thing, her ABC TV show. I know she's done other stuff, but I haven't seen very much of it. I like her show, but having only one thing I know of and enjoy isn't sufficient for me to give her the career category.

I wont say that I'm a huge fan of Jessica's movies. Let's face it, she's made a few stinkers in her time (I'm looking at you, horrible TOTAL RECALL remake). However, she's also done some stuff I like. Regardless of where my feelings lie on her work, between the two of them, Jessica has the more substantial career.


Biel got the booty, the body, the career and the win as it turns out. Nothing against Sofia. She's right up there in my most wanted list. As with most of these ladies, this is all mere nitpicking. Either of them would be more than most guys could ever hope for.

That's where I'm at. Where are you?


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