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Face Off: Natalie Portman vs. Jessica Alba

01.25.2016by: Droz

Hayley Atwell/Agent Carter beat Scarlett Johansson/Black Widow by a slight margin in last week's Face Off. I think that's fair. I'm not as captivated with Scarlett as I used to be, but she's still good enough to make any race against her a close call - even a race with Hayley, who wins every race as far as I'm concerned.

This week sees Natalie Portman presenting her female-driven UNFORGIVEN style western JANE GOT A GUN. It will be vying for attention with Jessica Alba's cult murder/suicide movie THE VEIL. To be honest, neither of these two movies looks all that interesting to me. However, their hottie stars have been fascinations of mine for decades. But who is the more fascinating long time hottie here?


If you were looking for a Helen of Troy for our time, Natalie's name would need to be right up there. She's been a strikingly beautiful woman even before she was a woman. Nats has one of those faces which goes unchanged as the years pass. The visage you see playing 30-something Jane in this new movie, is the very same one you saw 20 years ago playing 12-year-old cast off Matilda in LEON. That might be a weird thing for some, but I find it comes as a comfort with Natalie. It's good to know some things never change.

With all of Jessica's eye-catching visual qualities, it seems like her face sometimes gets lost in the shuffle. That's a shame, because she really is a gorgeous woman. I couldn't get enough of her back in the day when she still had those full lips. Today she exemplifies an ageless quality the Latina ladies tend to enjoy. 35-years-old and she looks hardly a day above 25. In a perfect world her kind of quality preservation would be the standard for everyone. But it's probably for the best it gets reserved for true beauties like Jessica.


There's nothing wrong with Natalie's body. Sure, it comes in second here, but so would the bods of most hotties out there when put up against Jessica. Second place or not, being smitten with Natalie has often made her body way better than it would otherwise be. I like to think of it as having a chance to check out Padme's bare ass or tits in a see thru top. That makes it way more enjoyable.

Jessica's bod was, from day one of her fame, a phenomenon. A rather remarkable fact about this body of Jessica's is that despite the kids and the marriage and her various other sideline activities with corporations, she still owns one of the finest bodies around. That's not just for someone her age, but for any age. Her bod thus becomes more than eye candy. It's downright amazing.


Again, I think this is just a case where Natalie is outdone by a superior force. Perhaps if she was as inclined toward the sexy spreads like Jessica, things would be different. Natalie has always been shy about painting herself as a hottie, especially at this point in her life. I understand. The last thing I'm sure any mom wants is to do is explain to their kid why mommy is showing off her tits on a supermarket magazine rack. That prospect doesn't seem to phase Jessica though. Which is why I'm with her here.

The facts pertaining to Jessica's career as a celebrity require her to devote way more time showing off sexy than Nat over there. Perhaps this is the plight of a person who isn't known for Oscar bait gigs. Though it's not like Jessica needs the money. Maybe she just enjoys the idea of people enjoying the sight of her. Whatever the case is with Jessica's motivation as a hottie, the net result are boners the world over.


Natalie has an Oscar and plenty of acclaim. She deserves it. When she has the part, she's very, very good. That's always been true of her. But when she doesn't have the part, things turn practically unwatchable fast, which is hardly unique to her. Most actors who aren't Kevin Spacey have their good and bad performances. For some reason Natalie's off days just seem especially off. I would put some of her bad performances on par with Jessica's. And that's pretty bad. There's still more good than bad with Nats here, which makes her career an easy vote for me.

While Jessica is beautiful, built, and hot, she's not a good actress. It's a fact about her made clear time and time again in pretty much every movie she makes. Sure, they can't all be Oscar contenders, but Jessica seems persistently challenged to give a good performance. Bless her heart, she really tries to be better. Unfortunately the effort she has to make there only ends up ruining something that's supposed to look effortless.


With these two, it's safe to say that Natalie has the looks and the career, while Jessica has body and hotness. That could have tied things up, were it not for the fact that Jessica isn't too shabby in the face either. Picking Jessica over Natalie represents a significant switcheroo for me. In the past I probably would have been in Natalie's corner. But times must change. Now it's Jessica. I have no regrets.

Just one man's opinion. What are your thoughts?


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