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Face Off: Monica Bellucci vs. Salma Hayek

04.30.2012by: Droz
Those curvy ladies with a little more to love won last week's Face Off by a two to one margin. I'm with you there, I loves me some curvy ladies as well. Though my experience is that there's usually something to enjoy on most any kind of body.

So, let's get down to it with this week's Face Off, where we've got a real challenge ahead of us. You know there's always enough fine women here every week to satiate pretty much anyone's taste. Still, there are some who rise above the rest. Call these The Eternal Hotties. These are the supremely gorgeous, perpetually youthful ladies who demand our attention, and get it, purely by being the incontestable natural beauties they are. Two of our most illustrious and long standing members in this beloved league of chronologically immune sexiness are Monica Bellucci and Salma Hayek. It is now our unenviable duty to chose between these two and find out which lady skipped over by father time has used her immortal hotness to spread the most good over the land. Not an easy thing to do, but let's give it a shot.


Difficult choice right off the bat. Both Monica and Salma are sporting some fabulous figures - nothing wrong with either one. Both women have more than enough for any one person to handle. If Monica takes the silver here, it's only because one or two of Salma's features are slightly more my speed. That's such a minor gripe, though, as to be virtually nonexistent.

Salma wins here mostly because of those hot, Latin curves of hers. I reflect back on her role as Santanico Pandemonium in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, gyrating around in that bikini with the snake. I don't think any of the arousal spreading through the room in that scene had to be simulated. The woman exudes sex from every pore of her body.


There's something special happening with Monica's beautiful features that I think push all the right buttons for most people who get a look at her. Why else would they cast her as Magdalen or the sexiest computer program ever invented? She's got centuries of fine, Umbrian heritage written within those eyes, those lips, that perfect skin. Hard to argue against such a fine legacy of beauty.

Again, it comes down to pet peeves and paltry nothings to distinguish these two ladies' hotness apart. Is Salma as beautiful as Monica? Absolutely. There's really nothing to enjoy less about either woman. Being of Italian heritage myself and naturally fond of certain inherent features of the breed, I'm somewhat biased toward Monica here, but they both put goddesses to shame with their beauty.


Monica is a woman who knows how to turn on the sexy whenever the situation calls for it. It drips from her like beads of sweat, it beams from her face like a ray of light, and it winds around her body like a snake. She can't even help it really. It's just how she is. Even when she was wrapped in rags, weeping for Christ on the cross, I still wanted to get with her in the worst way. If she can inspire that, even when mired in a miserable passion play, then clearly Monica's sensuality transcends all obstacles.

Salma is a fire hose of sensuality as well, perfectly capable of spraying her own brand of sex appeal all over you. Thing about that though is a lot of times she comes on too strong with it. Check out her recent Burger King ad. Not an once of subtlety happening there. She's much more of a visual artist at her sensuality game. Not that Monica doesn't know how to do that as well, but I'm leaning toward the one who has both happening.


One thing these two ladies have in common - something that also sets them apart from most other actresses out there, is that sexy accent of theirs. Being a boring old white guy with a generic American accent no one finds appealing, I'm naturally drawn to such exotic vocal patterns. I'm especially enamored with Monica when she tosses some of her native Italian in there - probably more of that long since diluted Italian heritage influencing me again.

Salma having such a sultry accent herself makes it tough to chose between the two. It might be that I'm biased due to repeated and humiliating failures at trying to grasp even the basics of high school Spanish, but there's something about Salma's accent that doesn't have quite the same ring as Monica's. Probably flashbacks to annoying Spanish teachers, gnawing at me with their forced accents and proper pronunciation. Not that what she sounds like would ever make much of a difference to me.


Considering the bulk of her career has been in European productions that don't come 'round these parts, I don't have as much of a familiarity with the films she's done. Also a problem, a lot of the movies I have seen from her weren't my favorite. Films like THE MATRIX sequels or the horrid spectacle known as THE PASSION both disappointed. She's usually pretty good in those disappointing movies, but even having a bright ray of light like Monica in your crappy movie isn't a cure all for mediocrity.

I wont say that I'm a fan of everything Salma does either, because I'm not. Though I am more familiar with her body of work over all and her movies do tend to make the rounds a lot more than some of Monica's. Her resume also holds more personal favorites, among them films like DESPERADO and the already mentioned FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. Arguments over acting skills aside, you probably see more of Salma in your local theater than Monica. I'll let you decide how just or unjust that is.


Never been as tempted to do a split decision as I was with this one - truly a difficult call trying to put one before the other here. In the end, I give it to Monica thanks to her exotic, European vibe she puts out there that does an extra-special number on me. Could Salma just as easily fulfill anyone's desires? Of course, there's no question about that. With heavy hitting hotties like these, you can't go wrong. But being the sucker I am for a fine, Italian beauty, Monica has a built in edge. Your mileage may vary there.

But hey, what do I know?
Tags: Face-Off


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