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Face Off: Marion Ravenwood vs. Elsa Schneider

05.21.2012by: Droz
Folks seemed to prefer Brooklyn Decker over Kate Upton in our last last Face Off, with a 9 to 5 vote in Brooklyn's favor. I'm down with that. Then again, I'd be down with a Kate vote too. I don't take sides when it comes to hotties like those.

Switching gears now, there have been more than a few ladies our good friend Indiana Jones has taken to himself over the years. Though only 3 appear on film, you get the feeling that Indy is the sort of guy who can easily arrange a hottie hook up at any and all of the exotic locales on his treasure-hunting world tours. Seeing as how we only have 3 documented ladies to chose from, and most everyone would be glad to forget about Willie from TEMPLE OF DOOM (not to mention older Marion from CRYSTAL SKULL), let's try to decide who of the remaining two Indy babes was the best.


Seeing as how these movies didn't often make a point of putting huge amounts of T&A out there, it's kind of hard to decide which woman had the better body. Marion probably showed off the most skin of the two, what with her repeated changes into silk nightgowns and evening dresses, all designed for the titillation of whichever guy happened to need titillation at the time. So she gets the prize.

I suspect that Elsa was rocking a pretty damn hot body. Unfortunately it was most often hidden underneath a lot of Nazi or Nazi-esque garb, which has a funny way of becoming kind of a turn off for me. Maybe I'm weird, but a fine rack with a big as swastika on it tends to be a bit of a contradiction as far as sexual appreciation goes. Your mileage may vary there.


Never quite took a shine to Marion's tomboy look. I get that she's a hard ass bar girl more concerned with winning drinking contests than getting her eyeliner right, but I still don't think cleaning her up and putting her in a nice dress got her any closer to being a stunner. I still wouldn't go so far as to call her ugly, but compared to the competition here, she's lagging behind.

Elsa is a gorgeous woman, that's pretty clear. Seeing as how she's played by an actress, Alison Doody, who was a former model and essentially the second coming of Grace Kelly, it's no surprise that she showed up as number one here. Nazi Aryan idealism aside, that angelic face of hers pretty much blows all competition out of the water here.


Again, not much of a sexiness vibe coming off of Marion. Unless you're into the ladies who can kick ass and take names. She's kind of a strange female interest, as she doesn't really seem to have a lot happening with her that should make Indy to want to save or protect her as much as he does. When not beating on Indy or telling him how much of an asshole he is, she's constantly getting kidnapped or trapped in some situation that requires him to come save her at the risk of his own life. All for the promise of a kiss and memories of some past relationship they apparently had once. Probably wouldn't motivate me.

Elsa isn't really much better, at least as far as the whole "rescue me" thing goes. A repeating theme of the Indiana Jones movies is that hotties get themselves in trouble and Indy saves them by the skin of his teeth. Still, at least with Elsa, you're reasonably assured you're gonna get a nice reward out of the deal. As we find out through the course of the movie, she pretty much puts out for everyone - and I mean everyone. I can't speak for you, but I'd put my life on the line for a romp with Elsa in a Venice hotel room. If only for the promise of that hot lip sucking thing she does.


So yeah, Marion isn't the prettiest or the most sexual creature in the series. Still, she has other things in her favor. She's a pretty cool lady, first of all. She runs a bar in Nepal where she kicks ass at doing shots, doesn't take shit from anyone, knows how to wield a knife, beloved of monkeys - the list goes on. If I had to pick one Indy girl to hang out with, it would totally be Marion. You don't have to worry about her screaming in your ear night and day, and she wont sell you out out to Adolf Hitler. That's a winner right there.

Pretty and willing isn't everything. You also have to be reasonably assured that you're not submitting yourself to the feminine wiles of a hottie who's secretly looking to empower antichrists with biblical powers. Tough call, I know. Yeah, I might get an incredible hottie in the sack, but doing so not only risks my life and that of everyone close to me, but also the freedom of the entire world. In the end, it probably wasn't the best idea for Indy to trust the little understood yet totally hot German girl angling for his affections during the height of the 3rd Reich. But I can't really blame him for it either.


Despite any personality flaws Marion might have, her chemistry with Indy is nonetheless quite obvious throughout much of the first movie. The films make it clear that Marion was the one that got away for Indy. He's also highly motivated to keep her around, at least until the next movie comes out. Clearly there's something about her that's working for him. Not a surprise she's the one who ultimately manages to put the band of gold on his finger.

Apart from her obvious physical attributes and the understandable effect they have on Indy, there really wasn't much happening between Indy and Elsa that was all that meaningful. No doubt this is by design, as her eventual betrayal leads him to feel pretty conflicted about her. Indy's not the sort to let a lady shuffle off without a fight, but in the end everybody pretty much understands that Elsa was just bad news from the start and better left behind.


So, kind of a strange choice to make here. Do you like the girl who's super hot yet allied with genocidal fascists? Or do you go with the tomboyish girl who kind of hates you but with whom you have all the history? We know where Indy went. That's probably where I would have gone as well. Still took him a few decades to finally seal the deal with her, but you can't expect the ladies to take precedence over fortune and glory.

Which one is your favorite?
Tags: Face-Off


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