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Face Off: Linda Cardellini vs. Charlize Theron

05.11.2015by: Droz

Hailee Steinfeld was your favorite new hottie, compared to Abigail Breslin anyway. Not sure if I agree with that one. Hailee is beautiful alright, but she's still a little too innocent for my tastes. Abigail, on the other hand, seems like she's in a big rush to grow up. Might still be a little too early for her to appropriately make use of that eagerness, but in a couple years I'd say all bets are off.

We now go from two hotties we can't believe are as old as they are, to two hotties we can't believe are as old as they are. Both Linda Cardellini and Charlize Theron turn the big 4-0 this year, if you can believe that. Not a big deal, as they still look great and still show up for plenty of stuff. Charlize has the much delayed MAD MAX sequel finally debuting this week. And Linda, well, Linda has that kinda secret role in a certain recent movie we'd hate to spoil for the 4 or 5 people not aware of it. They're two longtime hotties with great hotness legacies. But which new 40-something looks like something special to you?

Beauty

Looks wise, these two couldn't be more different. Linda has usually been the brown-eyed, brunette, Italian cutie with the sweet smile, who once in a blue moon goes over to the blonde side of things. One thing she and Charlize do have in common here is that no matter what they're doing with theiir hair or whatever, I still love the look of them. It's rare for me to find beauty that endures no matter what they do and I'm compelled to appreciate it when I find it.

Charlize will forever be one of those Hollywood beauties women want to emulate and men want for their own. You might assume that legacy would keep her locked into a certain look, most likely her oft seen blonde. Fortunately she's not afraid to go in some different directions there, which you'll know if you've seen any of the MAD MAX previews. Like Linda, it doesn't really matter what color Charlize's hair is or whether she's got hair at all, as she's a knockout no matter what.

Body

Linda hasn't been the sort to show off her body over and over, but she will put on something provocative every once in a while. She's been a naturally tiny, petite little thing ever since I can remember, which is very much my thing. I'm weird like that. Tall and skinny, nah. Short and skinny, terrific. Lately motherhood seems to have given Linda a few more curves, but that's not a bad thing. She still looks tasty to me.

10 years ago I'd have been all about Charlize here. She had one of the sexiest bodies I've ever seen. But time has a way of equalizing us all eventually. I wouldn't say that Charlize is past it. Not even close. The gradual passing of years has merely leveled her out here and put her on a more even playing field with other hotties. Hey, no one stays tight and firm forever, but it's not such a terrible a thing to have a body like these two have now. If only we all aged so well.

Hotness

Linda is beautiful and built and provided us all with a ton of memorable moments over the years. I have little doubt about her hotness qualifications. However, I do have to give credit where credit is due on this one. For me, the dividing line between Linda and Charlize is the body of work, or rather how much of her body Charlize has shown off. Linda has said she's open to doing nudity, but she's got a lot of catching up to do with her competition where that kind of thing is concerned.

As I said, the intertubes are full of imagery depicting Charlize's nude body. Such moments are reason enough to give her the win here, but that's not the whole story. Charlize has an innate sensuality about her that endures despite whatever role she slides into. Even when she's an evil bitch in movies like PROMETHEUS and SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN, she's still the most bangable one there by far.

Career

Linda has been in a number of shows and movies over the last 20 years, my favorite in that lot still being Freaks and Geeks. Her character Lindsey was one of those teenage characters who perfectly captured my ideal high school crush. Nothing but love for the square pegs. So Linda has had success in the past, but she's not stuck there. In fact, she's enjoying a new surge in popularity and proliferation nowadays. Unfortunately I still think Charlize's A-list forever status wins the day here.

I'm not a fan of Charlize's shaved head thing in this MAD MAX sequel, so instead here's a pic from a movie I found her especially hot in. Sure, AEON FLUX was a shitty remake, but Charlize looked amazing in it. She's done her share of great and not-so-great stuff over the years. She's also shown some real brilliance in her performances, which is why Charlize has that Oscar on her mantle or wherever she keeps it. Gotta respect the skills.

Charlize

If sentimentality was the only factor here, I probably would have gone with Linda, who has the roles I'm endeared to and looks that come pretty close to my ideal woman. However, when all the usual factors are considered, it becomes pretty clear that Charlize is a tough one to beat.

Just one man's opinion. What are your thoughts?
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