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Face Off: Jovie from ELF (Zooey Deschanel) vs. Sue from Bad Santa (Lauren Graham)

12.25.2012by: Droz

Looked like a few of your OCD issues kicked in during last week's Face Off between admittedly dissimilar hotties Kate Beckinsale and Salma Hayek. Having two unlike things together seems to have disturbed some of you folks. You must be the guys I saw arranging the big tub of candy boxes at the store according label and box sizes. Take your Zoloft, folks. We occasionally like to mix it up around here. That being said, ya'll gave Kate the win last week by a 12 to 7 margin. Nice pick. Can't go wrong there.

Well it's Christmas again and those of you spending your time alone, or wishing you were spending it with someone else, are probably thinking about the kind of hottie you'd like to have roasting your Christmas chestnuts. The movies give us a few options there, two of which we compare here today. ELF's Jovie (aka Zooey Deschanel) and BAD SANTA's Sue (aka Lauren Graham) are doing their own thing as far as Christmas hotties go. Each has their own strengths. Now we gotta figure out which Christmas movie hottie would sufficiently heat up your yule log? Let's see about it.


No contest here. Jovie/Zooey was the cutest thing that's ever lived. Most of you might have preferred they preserve her brunetteness over the blonde version from ELF, but Zooey is one of the few ladies I've seen that can sport either hair color and make both work just as well as the other. That's a rare thing. Gotta acknowledge it.

Sue/Lauren is a beautiful woman as well, but she is sadly outclassed here thanks to the ton of good will and fanboy gushing many of us Zooey fans have for our favorite quirky cutie. Also, Jovie/Zooey looked really adorable in that elf suit. If it were anyone else over there, we'd have a much more even standing in this category.

First Impressions

Jovie was sweet in that she chooses to not only give some weird dude dressed like an elf the time of day, but also keeps hanging around him despite the fact that his elf identity doesn't stop with the suit. Of course, the reason they get along so well is that she's just a weird as he is. So they're a good match in that respect. I'm not sure how well any normal person would get along with her though.

You'll most likely meet Sue at a bar and proceed to do shots with her. If you just happen to be dressed as Santa at the time, the two of you will almost immediately retire to your car, wherein she will ride you like a rodeo horse to satiate her powerful, long-standing sexual fetishes. As far as first impressions go, it might not be the most chaste way to say hello. Then again, who cares?

Private Time

You might think Sue/Lauren would get the win from me here as well, but you'd be wrong. Private time with Jovie/Zooey could involve any number of things, but the one thing that gives her the tie win here is the possibility that we might enjoy a shower together. Any time spent with Jovie/Zooey's naked, wet body as she sings me Christmas tunes is good fun the whole year long.

Then again, pulling Sue/Lauren's stringy, lace underwear off with my teeth sounds like a blast as well. Difficult to chose between the two. I'd have to try them both out to make a definitive selection. Maybe save some time and do both things simultaneously. That still might not help me decide between the two, but again, who cares?


Jovie/Zooey would probably be a lot of fun to hang around at first, but I can't see her novelty lasting for very long if you're not a weird elf man. That's true of the fictional Jovie and probably true of Zooey as well. Her cute quirkiness is great if you can reciprocate with your own brand of the same behavior. If I was spending significant time with her though, I'd probably grow desperate for something real and raw pretty quick.

I'm not sure if there was anything more than sexual fantasy fulfillment going on between Sue and Willie. She had her thing for Santas and Willie had his thing for asses and booze. Can they be anything more than f*ck buddies? Maybe we'll find out when BAD SANTA 2 comes out next year. Even if all I had with Sue was her intense need to bone me while wearing a Santa hat, I'm still pretty sure I could build a relationship on that.


BAD SANTA's Sue is probably not the most conventional hottie to headline a Christmas movie, but she could certainly make your spirits bright. As long as you keep a red suit and a beard handy, she's guaranteed to give you one Merry Christmas.

That's my pick. Tell us which one you prefer below?


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