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Face Off: Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard

07.16.2012by: Droz

Most everyone liked Gwen Stacy over Mary Jane Watson in last week's Face Off, giving her a 9 to 2 vote. Wise choice. Gwen is definitely the superior girl for Spidey, though I'm still trying to decide which Spidey movie I prefer. They both handled elements of the story in good and bad ways. Too bad we can't just splice them together and get the best of both worlds.

So, something a little different with this week's Face Off. The scuttlebutt going around the celebrity gossip circles is that legendary Hollywood hunk Johnny Depp has lured legendary bisexual vixen Amber Heard away from the muff and back into the warm embrace of the man chicken. Well, if there was one dude who could manage such a thing, it would have to be Depp, who's been renowned for decades as one of the tastiest male stars currently alive. Is this the new Hollywood power couple? Only time will tell. Johnny has had quite an impressive helping of fine celebrity babes through the years. This might just be him rebounding after his recent marriage dissolution. And we all know where Amber's mind has been recently. Johnny might just be a brief intermission for her. Still, they do make a good couple - certainly the prettiest since Brad and Angie. But we have to ask, who's is the prettier one here? Ladies, feel free to speak up, as either of these two is down for the likes of you too.


Let me just say that I'm as straight as they come. Still, you have to admit - Johnny is one pretty dude. Even the manliest, most butch guy in the world would have to concede that fact. I paraphrase Clarence Worely from TRUE ROMANCE when I say that Johnny's prettier than most women. If had to f*ck a guy - like my life depended on it - I'd f*ck Johnny. You're not gonna find a prettier guy out there without several rounds of hormone therapy and a gamut of truly horrifying surgeries.

Now that I've completely creeped myself out, let me get back to a pretty that's more my speed. Amber is probably one of the handful of ladies out there who could compete with Johnny on the prettiness scale. This woman is absolutely gorgeous. With a smile that warms your heart and a come hither stare that could tempt a eunuch, she's one of those rare ladies who can go from brunette to blonde without loosing anything in the way of beauty. She could probably shave her head and still be gorgeous. That's a great way to differentiate true beauty from the more illusionary kind.


While the guy is pretty, my affections for him only go so far. Outside of any gunpoint rendezvous, Johnny and I are on different pages sexually. Still, the guy got what most of the ladies want and probably most of the gay dudes as well. Unfortunately for me, he's missing some skin in a few key areas and has too much in others. I'll acknowledge that has earned the desires of many over the years. Clearly quite a few folks enjoy him in this way. Gonna have to agree to disagree with them on this one.

Ah, now we're back to hotties more my speed. No big secret that Amber is pushing all my buttons - probably yours too if you have a pulse. Amber is actually kind of like Johnny in that she tends to be a crossover kind of person, appealing to both sexes. That might be because she's got the whole bisexual thing happening. It might also be just an innate part of her overall hotness. If you're a lady who is all about the men, you're probably like me and still have to acknowledge that Amber is one sexy creature. No doubt she can fulfill anyone's needs in this area.


Pretty, sexy, famous and rich - sounds like a recipe for a real asshole. Quite the contrary, actually. Johnny has proven himself one of the most honest and caring people in Hollywood. With a laid back attitude and a generous spirit, he never misses an opportunity to show love for those he comes into contact with. Be it the tales of generous tips left of waitpersons at restaurants or ultra cool gestures like shipping boxes of movie props to young fans - the guy is a true mensch.

I don't know if Amber gives gifts to kids or tips generously, but she's still someone I think would enjoy hanging out with. Possessing a very male-friendly attitude, she seems like she could hang in there with any guy and probably even drink more than a few guys under the table. Sexy time is all well and good, but eventually you have to stop and actually relate for a minute. I think I'd love to just hang out with Amber and shoot the shit about cars and woman. That would be blast. She'd just have to forgive me for getting a little distracted by her hotness periodically and missing what she's saying.


Pretty clear winner here. How many iconic characters has this guy played? Going down the list, you got Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Raoul Duke, Ichabod Crane, Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, John Dillinger, and soon Tonto. Plus, he's a genuinely talented actor who can pretty much tackle any role you throw at him. And how many billions in ticket sales, merchandising, and home video has this guy racked up? Johnny's a powerhouse in entertainment, a permanent A-lister for all time. He's gonna be right up there on the list of top leading men in history. No other way to go on this one.

Amber is younger and thus not nearly as accomplished as Johnny. Not for a lack of trying, though. She's made more than one attempt at doing what she and many of us hope will be a good movie. They never seem to come to much though. Not sure why that is. Amber isn't a bad actress. Given the right role, I think she could really shine. She just hasn't found it yet I guess. Or she has found it, but hasn't been able to seal the deal. Someone do something about that, because Amber deserves better.


Whichever one butters your bread more, you have to admit that these two make one hell of a beautiful team. If you could splice them together, you'd have just about the perfect person - beautiful, sexy, talented, accomplished, spirited, kind, generous - who wouldn't want that person? I'm obviously partial to Amber's looks, but Johnny's got my respect as an actor. Put the two of them together and you got a couple with something to please anyone. If there's a better criteria for power couple, I don't know what it could be.

Which one is more your thing?
Tags: Face-Off


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