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Face Off: Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie

07.01.2013by: Droz

You all managed to come up with a 17-17 tie game between Julie Benz and Yvonne Strahovski in last week's Face Off, forcing me to take on the Vice Presidential role and break the tie with my vote. Technically that gives Julie the win, but as per usual, super close votes like that remain too close to call. I guess that means Team Julie and Team Yvonne are evenly matched. I'll leave it to you guys to battle for supremacy. Just remember, no touching of the face or hair.

I can't believe I haven't done a Face-Off between Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Talk about deep-seated yet seemingly unspoken animosity. There's nothing more likely to provoke women to descend into slapping and hair pulling than the fight over a guy. Make that guy Brad Pitt and the situation has the potential to be the end all, be all of cat fights. Angie and Jen's apparent mutual dislike for one another has remained a cold war thus far. However, Brad's defection to the Jolie side seems to be a perpetual source of consternation to Jennifer. I predict that if these two should ever meet, face-to-face, that cold war could turn hot fast. And I mean real hot. But who would you side with in a Angie/Jenny battle royale? Show your allegiance below.

Beauty

Jen has actually endured well over the years, looking pretty much the same as she did 10 years ago. That being said, I'm not much of a fan of her looks. She's not ugly I guess, but she still doesn't do much for me in this category. In fact, I've never understood what the hype was about. It's not like she's displeasing. I guess hers is just not my kind of face. She seems like any number of random women you might walk past on the street - pleasantly arranged, but nothing special.

I used to have an intense passion for Angie's beauty back in the day. Her sweet spot was the late 90s and early 2000s, before she started getting all anorexic-looking and plasticky. The Angelina of today is a pale, hollowed out version of that startling vision of womanhood from back in the day. Occasionally there's a flash of the past in a certain expression or glance of the eye today, but it's transient. So for those reasons, I'm just gonna pass on this category.

Body

Jen has resisted the push for boney ass starvation diets for most of her career, making for a body of beautiful proportions that's still got some curve and reasonable fat content about it. I like that about Jennifer. I'm sure she goes to all the same ends that other big league actresses do to keep in shape, but she hasn't let that ruin her feminine look. I approve of this.

First of all, I'm not giving Jen the win here because Angie got her boobs cut out, so no nasty remarks about that. Angie's loss here is entirely about years of starving herself into a freakishly thin shadow of her once beautiful, well built self. Something seemed to happen to her when the TOMB RAIDER movies tanked. She stopped consuming food the way we do and became an emaciated shell with a decade long need for sammiches. Not good.

Hotness

I might not have gone for the tie here, had I not seen HORRIBLE BOSSES. While perhaps not the greatest movie, it did demonstrate Jennifer's keen ability to be a full-on slut of epic proportions. Is any of that real? I'll never know. Is Angelina's sexual intensity real? Maybe once. I get the feeling that domesticated life and the onset of her 30s has calmed her down to more manageable levels of sexuality. So it's likely both these ladies are putting on a show as far as their public hotness goes. That doesn't make it any less hot though.

No longer eating in sustainable ways didn't stop Angie from remaining a sexy, sultry, wildcat of a hottie. Even at the worst of it in that movie WANTED when her arms were so thin they looked like toothpicks next to those huge guns, she was still eminently bangable. Something about those eyes hints at the unstable, sexual beast inside her, just chomping at the bit to get down with someone, something, anything. Despite it all, Angie's never lost the ability to convey that kind of sexual intensity.

Relationship

Had to add a relationship category here, as relationships are the whole reason these two are being matched against each other in the first place. Jen's relationships have been notoriously awful, ending prematurely and usually with plenty of drama. While she did manage to get engaged to actor Justin Thoreaux, it looks like recent events have seen this relationship go to shit like all the rest of her previous endeavors. Is Jen simply way too high maintenance for relationships? It wouldn't surprise me. I never got the impression she had to try very hard to play Rachel on Friends.

Has there been a more iconic Hollywood relationship than Brangelina? These two have gone through the fire with one another, enduring death, sickness, huge broods of children, career ambitions, long periods spent apart from one another while in the company of hot co-stars, the intrusive eyes of the media, unending speculations about their imminent break-ups and on and on. Yet they're still together, still making it happen. And they still look to be very much in love. I tend to be rather cynical when it comes to stuff like this, but from the looks of them I'm willing to believe that they've found true love.

Career

Jennifer has stumbled along for years in movie making misery, appearing in crap I wouldn't watch if they paid me. Occasionally she finds her way into some good stuff with movies like OFFICE SPACE or BRUCE ALMIGHTY or HORRIBLE BOSSES. The rest of it tends to be horrible chick flick dreck guys like me are dragged to see kicking and screaming. Don't even get me started on that horrible concoction of shit called Friends. If I ever hear that theme song again I will have to murder the person who plays it. So be warned.

I wouldn't say that everything Angelina's done with her career was perfect. However, she's done a lot more stuff that interests me. She actually makes a lot of underrated movies that I love, even if no one else likes them or even knows they exist. We all know about her bigger movies, but how many folks call themselves fans of films like HACKERS or FOXFIRE or PUSHING TIN? I think I might be the only person who really loved SKY CAPTAIN. What some people would call Angie's shit movies are the ones I really love. Sounds like a winner to me.

Angelina

Choosing Angelina is probably my way of honoring past iterations of her rather than the current one. It's not the first time I've had an unhealthy obsession with the past. I just hope, should things ever go down between these two, that there are cameras there to document it and that along with large clumps of stylized hair that fly from the scene come equally large shreds of clothing.

*HISS* *HISS* RAWR*

Just one man's opinion. What are your thoughts?
EXPRESS THEM BELOW...!!

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