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Face Off: Christina Aguilera vs. Jessica Simpson

10.01.2012by: Droz

Plenty of you were torn like I was in our last Face Off, trying to decide between Diane Lane and her rival Jennifer Connelly. A few of you with crueler hearts did find the ability to choose between the two, giving Jennifer the win by a 14 to 10 vote. I don't know how you managed partiality between two paragons of beauty like these, but congrats on doing what I could not.

This week's Face Off comes to you thanks to our good friend Cherry Liquor, who suggested we pair off two ladies who were once poster girls for zero fat femininity, but in recent years have struggled with the snack treats. The two ladies in question are of course Christina Aguilera and Jessica Simpson. Being in love with the donuts as they are has caused them both to take a hit professionally, as well as a slamming from the media and the public at large for letting their once fit features get flabby. But is all that criticism fair? Is it still possible to find some redeeming hottie features in these ladies today? Or do their new fat layers leave us reflecting back on less gravitationally challenged hottie times? Which formerly thin hottie floats your boat? Let's address these 4 main issues and find out.


Christina is pretty when she wants to be. Unfortunately her desire to be different and draw attention to herself often takes her to weird places with her looks. When she isn't caked in make-up trying to look like an alien, or teasing her hair into a 4-foot blonde afro, she is quite pretty. Those brief periods of normalcy seem few and far between though. I have little patience with women who can't leave well enough alone and admit that they're much more beautiful without any freakish accompaniment. So Chrissy get's the consolation prize here.

Jessica has never been the smartest kid in class, but she knows enough not to mess with a good thing. Her looks might not be pushing any new boundaries, but she doesn't need to do that. She has always been a classic, American beauty. Grooming herself with that perspective in mind has served her well throughout the years. It also fits with the dumb blonde rep her reality TV show antics earned her when she was at the top of her fame. I don't know if the stupid, blonde and pretty thing is just a bit she does for the public or a legitimate aspect of her personality, but it all seems to work for her regardless.

Sex Appeal

Christina might not have always made the best decisions with her grooming, but she never forgot how to turn on the sexy. When not belting out a tune, girl seemed to spend all her time trying to get you to pitch a tent. Rarely was there a Christina Aguilera spread that didn't feature some barely there cover, almost letting out those T'n'A goods for all to see. In that sense she was also an incredible tease, but that's the case with most high profile celebs like she used to be. I guess the fear is that if they ever come through with some full on exposed nipple or completely bare ass, they'll change back into a pumpkin or something.

Despite some quite effective sexy pictures in a number of spreads done in her prime, Jessica always seemed to be well outside her comfort zone when doing such things. Come hither faces and erect nipples felt more like a part she was playing when she would try to be all seductive and alluring. Her most authentic personality expression was the bubble-headed sweetheart with the streak of innocent naiveté. Perhaps that was an act as well, but it suited her better than attempts at being the sex symbol.

Pre-Chubby Bodies

Christina had herself one hot little body back in the day, which made her one of the most desired hotties when she was in her prime. Fully stacked with a nicely rounded ass, not too thin yet bearing none of the fat issues that would come later, she made quite an impression. That sexy little frame had just about anything and everything one could ever want in a hottie. Unfortunately, when her career started to wain, so did her attempts at avoiding the Häagen-Dazs.

Jessica was also quite the hottie in her best days. A little taller, a little more athletic in her build than Christina, she was nonetheless just as stacked, just as well rounded in a feminine sense. How could we have known that when she slipped on those daisy dukes for her role as Daisy Duke in the horrid DUKES OF HAZARD remake, we were seeing her in what would soon become the pinnacle of her hotness, preceding a long, slow decline to follow.

Post Weight Gain

Some folks seem to adapt better to weight gain than others, as far as looks go anyway. Christina unfortunately doesn't seem like sort who adapts well. I'm not one to say that a chubbier face absolutely precludes any chance at beauty, but it's not doing much for Christina. Nor is the extra fat coming in and obscuring those once finely balanced curves. Simply put, in Christina's case, she looked a lot better when she was thinner.

Given the choice between Jessica now and Jessica back in the day, I would definitely chose past Jessica. However, despite the rather alarming amount of fat she's tacked on, both before and especially after the kid, she still has a pretty face. And her chubbier body, before she ballooned up with the kid, was actually not that bad. She simply filled out in all the right places, becoming more voluptuous than before. I'm totally down with that.


Jessica and Christina are two gorgeous women who made a huge impact in their day, but have not fared as well in recent years, both as performers and as hotties. Both had an equal standing once upon a time, but the extra weight has separated them somewhat in my mind. No doubt we'd all prefer these two go back to some semblance of their tighter heydays, but for me, Jessica has always had more of an advantage, both in her prime and as the thicker girl she became later. Though I do hope that Weight Watcher's wad of cash compels her to at least take a few layers off her thickness.

That's my choice. What's yours?
Tags: Face-Off


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