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Face Off: Catherine Zeta-Jones vs. Mary-Louise Parker

07.15.2013by: Droz

Once again you folks couldn't seem to select a definitive winner, producing an even split between Katrina Bowden and Kaley Cuoco in last week's Face Off. Are you guys planning this stuff? Actually, that's understandable. There's more alike about these two than there are differences. If Katrina was a little more successful as an actress, I'd have tied it up as well.

PLEASE NOTE: If ya'll want your vote counted, you have to put the name of your hottie choice in your reply. Statements like "she's hot" or "never heard of that one" don't help me much. I need a name.

So anyway, we got two ladies of, shall we say, somewhat advanced years, appearing in a movie together this week. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Mary-Louise Parker are both in RED 2 and Mary has a second movie coming out in the way of R.I.P.D. Advanced years makes them sound like they're ready for walkers and adult diapers. They're only 43 and 49 respectively, so I think decrepitude is awhile off. Still, they are both certified MILFs who have brought the hotness for decades now. That makes them obvious contenders for a Face-Off this week. So which of these two older hotties still does it for you? Show your love for the MILFs below.


Catherine has always been a stunner and still is. I always thought that "Zeta" in her name suggested a Spanish heritage was enhancing her predominantly Irish/Welsh genes and giving her that raven-colored hair of hers. But nope, she's entirely North Atlantic material, which makes her even more interesting to me. Catherine has gone through some things lately that have conspired to rob her of her looks, among them the cancer crisis with her husband Michael Douglas and a brief stint in a mental facility to treat her bipolar disorder. She hasn't let all that shit get her down in the looks department though. Even at 43, she's still gorgeous.

Kind of sucks to pick a winner here, as I've had a fondness for Mary for some time now. Besides having a beautiful face, she's also got that thing where she smiles when she's upset, which just kills me. I really enjoy the look of her and always have. That makes me feel a little torn on this one. I guess there's an intangible thing happening here I can't quite describe. Even though I find Mary quite beautiful, I know I have more love for Catherine's beauty. Still, you got to hand it to Mary. At 49, she looks way younger than her years.


The only thing about Catherine that's ever been of sufficient competition to her beauty is her body. Nothing appears to have changed there. Even after two kids and the onset of middle age, she's still rocking a fantastic frame.

A few years ago I might have given this one to Catherine, but now that these two have moved into their 40s and have squirted out a few kids, I think they've equalized in this category. Mary has a fairly decent body - certainly nothing I would ever turn away. I was always more than happy to see her get naked on Weeds, or anything else for that matter. That's good enough for me.


It's not an unusual thing anymore to see hotties maintaining their hotness edge well past their 30s and 40s. We see it everyday on here, with hotties lasting far longer than what would have been considered a normal shelf life just a few decades back. Still, I have to admit that a lot of her hotness sources from the past. Did you see her in ENTRAPMENT? Anyone who can make crawling through laser beams that erotic deserves my vote in this category.

Speaking as a guy with a strange penchant for self-destructive, borderline personality women, Mary's Nancy Botwin character on Weeds has to stand as one of the hottest TV characters ever for me. There was something very erotic and very familiar about how she so effectively lured men into the sack, then systematically dismantled their lives over and over, always finding satisfaction in that process. As for Mary herself, I'm sure she's nothing like Nancy. She played her well though and that's good enough for me.

Back in the Day

I don't think there was ever a time when I wasn't fascinated with Catherine. She was a startling vision of beauty and charm from day one. I was happy to watch stuff I didn't even like all that much, just because Catherine was in it. She's going to go down in the books as one of the most crazy hot, beautiful and sexy women Hollywood ever put up on the big screen. She'll always be one of my all time favorites, that's for sure.

I remember Mary from way back in the 90s when she was first starting to get bigger roles. She had this sort of cute and vulnerable thing about her that was okay, I guess. She never really impressed me though. It wasn't until much later that I began to appreciate her more. It might have been the chick flicks and offbeat stuff she was doing back then that just weren't for me. Or maybe Mary and I just needed a little more time to warm up to each other. Whatever it is, I definitely like her more now than I did then.


So Catherine is beautiful and built and hot and always has been. I'm not a huge fan of a lot of her films though. I'm able to overlook a lot of stuff for a pretty face, but there are quite a few movies she's done that weren't my thing and some performances that didn't go over well with me at all. That makes her movies a bit of a crap shoot for me. Sometimes I like the movie, but not her performance (HIGH FIDELITY). Then you got movies I hated but loved her in (THE MASK OF ZORRO). There are also times when I loved her and the movie, even though no one else did (OCEAN'S 12). Me and Cat have clearly had our ups and downs.

I might not have had much of an appreciation for Mary's work back in the day, but her work from the last 10 years or so has fared much better in my eyes. We've established my love for Weeds, which between these two is sufficient to give her the win here. Probably the first time I was really taken with one of her performances was ANGELS IN AMERICA. That was a powerful movie and she was a big part of that. Her latest role in R.I.P.D also looks pretty good where she appears to play the gruff afterlife bureaucrat. Comparing these two, I'd say Mary is the better actress, so therefore she gets the win from me here.


I love both these ladies, but much like with Immortals, there can be only one. My one is going to have to be Catherine. She may not be my cup of tea as an actress, but she's beautiful and she's wonderfully shaped. Those two qualities go a long way around here.

Just one man's opinion. What are your thoughts?


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