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Face Off: Anna Faris vs. Malin Akerman

09.23.2013by: Droz

I see the Emmy awards were held last night. I didn't see it, I was too busy watching the Dexter finale and the second to last episode of Breaking Bad. It sucks that all the good shows seem to be going off the air. The new ones coming in to replace them don't look very promising either. Call me spoiled, but if someone isn't doing something extreme in a TV show, like cooking meth or flying in space or fighting off zombie hoards, I can't get into it. The networks may have come up with a clever new way of winning my attention back by casting high profile hotties in their shows - hotties like Anna Faris and Malin Akerman.

These two have got new TV shows coming out this fall, Malin with The Trophy Wife and Anna with Mom. The first one is about a woman who becomes the young bride to an older man with kids. The second is about a recovering alcoholic single mother dealing with life and family. I'm sure both those premises are filled with tons of potential for comedic gold. I doubt I'll ever watch either one. Though they are a good excuse to compare two smoking hot fall season hotties. But which of these aspiring TV success stories are you more excited about? Let's find out.

Beauty

Anna and Malin have a number of things in common. As far as beauty goes, they've both got blue eyes. They're both blondes who I rather prefer as brunettes. They're also both easy on the eyes. Anna wins here for me because of the additional sweetness element. She's got a bubbly quality about her that's endlessly charming. It's tough to dislike someone like Anna. If she were a serial killer, she'd make that seem adorable.

My issue with Malin is the same as I've had with a few others, namely a wavering appreciation for her looks. Sometimes I find her quite beautiful. Other times, not as much. I think it's the blonde hair. When she was Silk Spectre II in WATCHMEN, she was totally working for me. Then later when she went for the platinum blonde thing, I was less impressed. Only a few women can wear that hair well. Even if blonde is her natural color, I'm still much more down for her as a brunette.

Body

Being sweet is often a good way for women to get in a man's good graces. However, Anna goes that extra mile by also having a super hot body. That allows her to both win my heart and keep my attention. As is the case with most guys, the combination of those two things is sufficient for us to put up with pretty much anything, at least for awhile.

Speaking of WATCHMEN, did you see Malin's extended sex scene from that movie? Yeah, that's a damn fine body right there. Enough even to make one miss the distressing sight of a big, blue, glowing dong dangling around everywhere. That fine body was briefly interrupted by some unfortunate pregnancy recently, but I have faith that Malin can whip herself back into shape pretty quick.

Hotness

Being pretty and built is usually sufficient for most hotties to accomplish their hotness goals. I wont be so foolish as to claim that such isn't the case with Anna. However, one also has to take into account the sweetness/cuteness factor I mentioned earlier. Anna's characters tend to be overly cute. Being sweet and cute is great, but too much can get in the way of hotness, making us guys start to feel guilty about our desire to do unspeakable things to their body. And no one wants to feel guilty about that.

On the other hand, Malin has never had any problem maintaining her hotness. She's known for playing highly sexual characters, something she's proven quite good at time and again. Even when takes a break from that and yucks it up on shows like Children's Hospital, my reaction is still the desire to bang the shit out of her. Sounds like a Hotness category winner to me.

Career

I've never had much of a liking for the films Anna has done. None of the SCARY MOVIE movies she was in have worked for me. Stuff like THE HOUSE BUNNY is the kind of thing I run from like one might a pack of ravenous dogs. Occasionally she'll do something I enjoy, like LOST IN TRANSLATION or FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT TIME TRAVEL, but those are few and far between.

Plenty of things in Malin's CV that are more to my liking. Like many, I first became aware of her via that hilariously twisted scene in HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE. I enjoyed WATCHMEN very much, despite what some comics fans might have thought of it. Her comedic stuff is still my favorite though. She might not be the best comedian ever, but she regularly appears alongside great comedians, among them former members of the now defunct The State comedy troupe. That's good company to keep for a child of the 90s.

Malin

Is success right around the bend for these ladies' TV careers? I couldn't say. If it happens, it probably wont be thanks to my viewership contribution. That's not a knock against either of them - more like TV in general. Career choices aside, between the two of these ladies, Malin is more my speed. Anna is beautiful and built, but Malin is the hotter of the two for me.

Just one man's opinion. What are your thoughts?
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