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Face Off: Amanda Bynes vs. Lindsay Lohan

04.01.2013by: Droz

Summer Glau was the winner over Alison Lohman in last week's Face Off. Tough call. Those are two sweet as can be hotties. I do hope they come back to prominence someday.

Well, it's April Fools Day, so why not spend some time looking at a couple of fools for this week's Face Off. What the hell happened to Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan? I'm sure many of you have asked that question at some point. Was it the pressures of fame? Substance abuse? Just a run-of-the-mill loss of marbles? Whatever it is, their exploits have made them the new court jesters, where instability is turned into entertainment for the world and the troubled make asses out of themselves when they should be rushing to the nearest rehab or psychiatric care facility. The nutty just stacks up when you consider that these two once had everything - fame, fortune, beauty and youth. Now it seems they've decided to piss it away for no good reason at all.

So on this day of fools, let's try to decide which of celebrity's current most foolish "hotties" we prefer. Maybe you like how she used to be. Maybe she still does it for you, despite her craziness. Or maybe her slow trudge to hitting bottom somehow stands as worthwhile entertainment for you. Whatever your reason, pick your loser winner below.

Busted Beauty

She's not quite busted yet, but Amanda is definitely working on it, what with her twin cheek studs and weird attire. Probably wont be long now before she dyes her hair platinum blonde, starts slathering on make up like she was a park bench and looks like someone twice her age.

Both these girls are 27 this year. There's no way in hell Lindsay looks like a 27-year-old. It's been a long time since she's looked anything like her age. That's what gobs of drugs and booze and abuse will do to a person. I wince at the thought of what Lindsay is going to look like 15 years from now. If she manages to live that long.

Banged Up Bodies

It would appear that being wrapped up in one's own miserable existence doesn't leave a lot of time for trips to the gym, which is probably why Amanda has tacked on a few pounds lately. I don't have a problem when the ladies thicken up a little, but in this case it would seem her weight gain is related to whatever is messing her up. Could be that this problem has the potential to get worse in the future.

The horrible decline of Lindsay's once beautiful body has been one of the more dramatic and depressing elements in her slow crawl to oblivion. The fact that she continues to wear shit intended for women who keep themselves in shape, makes her lack of attention to herself even worse. Honestly, if you get a boob job and your tits still sag, it's pretty clear that you have some body issues in need of attention.

Blatant Batshittery

Amanda's antics seem to be the result of some sort of mental shift that's just cropped up in recent months. Before a year or so ago, I don't think anyone had seen or heard about a single negative thing coming out of the Bynes camp - certainly not anything close to the long track record of dumbass that Lindsay has. Then came her DUI and suddenly she's on a public crusade to prove that she's the craziest of them all.

I'd say the majority of Lindsay's issues have more to do with her inability to put down the bottle, the pills and the powder, rather than any existing mental disorder. Sure, there's probably some lingering family trauma in there exacerbating her addictions, but who doesn't have some of that? If they threw her in a padded room tomorrow and let her sweat out the booze and drugs from her system, I bet we'd see a whole different Lindsay.

Back in the Day

Amanda was plenty cute and sweet once upon a time. She was one of the great Disney cock teases of the last two decades. Putting her in second place here is nothing more than my need to obey my well-documented love for those fine, ginger hotties.

Who wasn't hot for Lindsay back in the day? Even if you weren't a disciple of the gingers like myself, her plucky spirit and charm was enough to get most people thinking well of her. The real heartbreak about Lindsay, more than the decline of her beauty or body, is the sad loss of that once adorable young girl who had so much promise. Quite sad.


Lindsay's had a head start on Amanda in their mutual race to self-destruction, so it's no surprise she wins. Not many train wrecks around that can compete with Lindsay for abject failure in life. Perhaps that's good news, as I seem to recall a time in recent history when there used to be dozens of celebs walking on that self-imposed road to doom. So maybe, in some screwed up way, the thinning of this dysfunctional heard is progress.

That's where I'm at. Where are you?


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