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Body Shop: Paris Hilton

11.26.2007by: Mr. Pink

Rarely can you find a woman who is even marginally beddable that arouses such disdain amongst the male community, but you have to admit that today's sample kind of makes you feel like you could get VD just from looking at her. She seems to take such delight in her Caligulian excess that her outlook can hardly be called anything but skanktitude. But admit it, if you had a night vision camera and a bottle of Jagermeister you'd probably fuck: PARIS HILTON!

Check her out in - Repo! The Genetic Opera

ASS (5/10):

How is it possible for a skinny chick to have such a droopy butt? The damn thing looks like it's going to fold over her leg in a few years. Of course given her resources I'm sure we'll see the intervention of a personal trainer, or more likely plastic surgery before that happens, but as a natural event this is a sparkling example of how a heinie can go wrong.

BOOBIES (7/10):

Small sure, but perfectly proportioned to Paris' body. She also is an expert at showcasing them to maximum effect. While it's impossible to give these little apples any kind of star status, they are the best feature of their skeez covered owner.

FACE (6/10):

A little math explanation for the ladies. Any chick who is sufficiently slutty immediately gains about two points in attractiveness to any straight male. We can't help it, being simple creatures. I mention this because I was going to give The Hilt an 8 is this category, but then I really looked at her face. Dull expression, giant honker, sex doll lips, oddly placed bone structure - it's a two bagger at best..


I'm not sure there's ever been anyone so high profile who revels in being stupid the way Paris does. She's not evil in a Hitler sort of way, but she is the next worst thing in human existence. She's completely unengaged. She offers nothing and exists simply to be seen. She gets a little credit for evidencing a bit of self-deprecating humor, but as Tucker Max proves day after day, just because you admit to being an asshole doesn't make you any less of an asshole.

CAREER (5/10):

Hilton's been attempting to play variations of herself for the better part of the new millennium and has mostly managed a string of forgettable cameos. It's hard to tell if her being distracted by a "music career" is a fortunate occurrence, but I think at the very least we can all agree she should never be paired with Jason Mewes again.

High points: HOUSE OF WAX

OVERALL (5/10):

When you get right down to it, despite all her efforts to be visible and relevant, Paris Hilton simply manages to float through life as a useless distraction. She possesses no more depth than glitter or sprinkles. Yes you're constantly aware of her, but when she's gone, no one will notice the absence.

Source: MovieHotties
Tags: Paris Hilton


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