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Battle of the Babes #210: Found Footage Hotties

05.24.2012by: Cherry Liquor

I think it's interesting how people will complain about the "shaky camera" effect that goes on in many "Found Footage" movies and how that style has transferred over to many mainstream blockbusters in the process. Why do I find it funny? I guess because I try to see things from Louis C.K.'s point of view. We're all complaining about stupid shit because we live in a great world with the best advantages that we're constantly coming up with white man's problems. As people sit in the theater griping about the shaky cam, I feel like poking them in the back of their iPhone-using heads, demanding that they be sequestered for the next flight out to a country where the only running water gives you a stomach parasite causing you to never have a solid bowel movement for the rest of your life. (I don't give a shit about your fat 8th grader grumbled complaints. Get back to me via a method other than a digital service which shortens thousands of miles and infinite hours of time and energy into an instantaneous form of communication that your great grandfather's horse is rolling over in its grave about.)

Devin Kelley

The movie other than JOSH BROLIN PLAYS A CONVINCING YOUNGER VERSION OF TOMMY LEE JONES getting released this Let's Get Drunk and Have a BBQ Weekend is CHERNOBYL DIARIES. Devin Kelly is one of its stars. I probably should have watched her when she was on "The Chicago Code," because I love Jennifer Beals, but that show got canceled before I could even figure out that it existed. Thankfully I have the miracle of NetFlix streaming to bring it right to the magic box in my living room at the push of a button while I eat chemically processed delicacies cooked in under one minute by another magic box. Gripe, gripe, gripe, grumble...

Katie Featherston

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY annoyed the crap out of me. Katie Featherston is still a good looking woman. Why do all the good looking regular girls have to be in shitty movies? Why do we have to suffer through women who have undergone the magic of medical science to have every blemish eradicated in order to deliver a highly unrealistic portrayal of love and the war between the sexes? If only there weren't thousands upon millions of other cinematic choices for me to drool over! Oh... wait...

Lizzy Caplan

Lizzy Caplan looked best when she was taking off her top in "True Blood," not screaming her head off in CLOVERFIELD, just one project from the plethora of crap that Abrams keeps shoving down our face like an unruly toddler who won't eat the Happy Meal that his mother just spent $3 of her hard-earned dollars to purchase so she didn't have to go to a store and buy safely grown vegetables and hormonally enhanced meat that other people have done the work of picking and slaughtering so she could go back to her home with its insulation and clean running tap water and magical fast cooking box thingies. Why isn't she naked in every project she does, simulating sex for me to disseminate at my slovenly leisure?!?! DAMN HER!!

I might be watching too much L.C.K. Or something. Which is your favorite Found Footage Hottie?

Source: IMDB

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