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3 Looks: Lindsay Lohan

03.12.2008by: Cush

With all the shit that you hear and see in the tabloids, I often think that even if given a clear run at Lohan's cooch, I would only venture anywhere near it safe in the sanctuary of a Hazmat suit and armed with one of those syringes Nicolas Cage uses in THE ROCK. Still, every now and then she steps out of skankhood and into something tasteful and she looks halfway decent. And when I say 'tasteful' I mean a bikini, and when I say 'every now and then' I mean every moment that she is not filming or fucking. Sure this chick has probably spent more time on her back than a corpse, but hell she's got a mighty fine body.

#3 - 'Lola Johnson' in A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION

The film looks at the behind the scenes happenings during the final broadcast of America's most celebrated radio show. You know that event in Gladiators, where the dudes fight in top of a rolling log? It's like that, except Meryl Streep is the Gladiator, trying to give a performance, and Lindsay Lohan is the rolling log.

Legend has it that Paul Thomas Anderson finished directing duties on this flick, as Robert Altman became incapacitated during filming and passing away shortly after. God knows what part of the universe decided Lohan deserved to work with Altman, PT Anderson and Meryl Streep all in the same picture, but whatever, I guess it was worth it since she looks pretty good here. Chicks who sing always seem to be attractive, and chicks that were glasses are a major weakness of mine. Throw in a cowboy hat? It's like Christmas.

#2 - 'Dakota Moss' in I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

An idyllic small town is rocked when Aubrey Fleming (Lohan), a bright and promising young woman, is abducted and tortured by a sadistic serial killer. When she manages to escape, the traumatized girl who regains consciousness in the hospital insists that she is not who they think she is and that the real Aubrey Fleming is still in mortal danger. It isn't that we don't believe her, it's just that we're either not listening, or have already lost consciousness from the sheer stupidity of what is happening on-screen.

This movie makes me wonder what season 24 would have been like if Jack Bauer had just made the Arab dude watch I KNOW WHO KILLED ME. He would've given up the location of the bomb in ten seconds flat, along with a list of accomplices, the location of Osama Bin Laden, and the admission that he on Tuesdays enjoyed partaking in a little light dildo action.

Still, if you get past who she is - she's smoking hot. And she does playing a stripper justice, like a lot don't. Although that's not because she's a good actress, or even a mediocre one, just that she is well versed in both the arts of cockteasing men, and of handling cylindrical objects. And of course, even in a flick this horrific Lohan gives the viewer a little somethin somethin. Hiring her and not having a sex scene is like signing Shaq and telling him he's not allowed to rebound:


Yeah, you hear and see some shitty stuff about her behavior, which makes you want to slap the shit outta her, that's a given. However, it is stuff like this photo shoot which totally makes you go 180 on that opinion and suddenly you're thinking about how you'd stab a pencil in her bodyguard's eye and then make off with her in an unmarked truck. Johansson has some breasts that are off the chain, but Lohan's ain't half bad either.

Also, the fact that she very probably got tricked into doing them is awesome. I wish I was a photographer. Or a wizard. No I'd rather be a wizard.


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